Aadi’s “Jokes” ….

Aadi has been saying such hilarious things lately that we are finding it hard to record everything. He is very well aware that he is making “jokes” and each delivery is accompanied by mischievous smiles !! Here are a few from last week.

1.      Suvo was trying to teach Aadi “opposites”.

Suvo: The opposite of ‘up’ is ‘down’.

Aadi: Oh.

Suvo: The opposite of ‘light’ is ‘dark’.

Aadi: just stares and digests.

Suvo: (Trying to tease ….) Aadi now your turn. What is the opposite of ‘Aadi’.

Aadi: (Thinks for a sec …..and says smiling) …. its “Diya” !!!!

2.     Aadi is in the night time potty training phase. He is trying to stay dry through the night. As soon as he wakes up in the morning he goes to the bathroom and removes his night time pull up. This is hard for a 4 yr old as all he wants to do at that time is cuddle and drink milk in bed. So to encourage his self-help behavior I am trying to profusely praise him when he is able to go through with the morning routine himself. The other morning, I heard a rustling sound and even before I made it to the kids room, Aadi was already in the bathroom. I was so thrilled, I told him, “Aadi, I am so so proud of you. You woke up and first thing you did is open your pull up. You are such a big boy now.” Aadi thought about it for a second and said, “Mamma, I waked up and first thing I did was to open my eyes” !!!! I assured him he was still a “big boy” and that opening the eyes first is a really good idea! J

3.     Diya’s school had a fundraiser and the grand prize for whoever raised the most funds was a trip to Dairy Queen in a Limousine!! Diya was so excited she was explaining this to us the other day. Aadi interrupted her and asked, “What is a Limousine?” Diya explained to him that it is the looooooong car that you see in the movies. Aadi’s response was, “Hmmm, then they should call the prize ‘Dairy McQueen’ !!” J

Quotable Quotes

On the way to Diya and Aadi's Kumon class (an after-school education program), I heard two quotable quotes from Diya and Aadi which I thought are worth noting down!

Context: Running out of interesting books to read, I recently started reading Diya's books - the Ramona novel series by Beverly Cleary. The stories about the 8 year old girl has triggered my guilt trip of not being an attentive dad. So, since this morning I am seizing every opportunity to make encouraging remarks to Diya and Aadi.

When I told Aadi that he is a very smart boy he replied, "I know I am smart!"

After a brief pause he asked, "Do you know why?

I asked, "Why?"

My 4 year old son replied, "Because my brain tells me to be smart. And my heart tells me to be correct."

The conversation moved to Diya. I was trying to explain to her in 1-2 sentences what our patent application (at work) is about, "The current method for calculation does not always work. So, we made an improvement to the method for calculation."

Diya interrupted, "So you mean that you fixed their method?"

I replied, "In a way, yes."

She asked, "Does your method of fixing have a problem?"

Before I could get a chance to reply, she explained (just in case I don't quite get it), "You know - if you try to fix a problem, it will also have its own problem. And this will happen again when you make the next fix. So, you can never make it perfect."

Lesson learnt - I am doing ok as a parent! ;)

Just A Few Chords

[Alternate title suggested by Saurav Mitra: Minors for Minors!]

After coming back from a 2-day trip Ankur still had the energy to cook a special dinner for us - Chicken with Green Peppers, Pulao and Garlic Naan!

After overeating (a lot!) I decided to top it off with some of Diya and Aadi's Halloween candies.

Overall effect … Absolutely Bliss!

To prolong the mood I started playing a few random chords on the keyboard. A tune seemed to emerge. I decided to record it on my iPhone … just in case one day I find the time to turn it into a complete composition.

Aadi was playing around. I decided to play the recording to him and asked him, "Is it a happy or a sad tune?" (A few weeks back he seemed to intuitively connect minor chords with sad mood … so this was repeating the experiment to get another data point.)

He seemed to be perplexed. He asked me back several times "Baba, it is happy or sad? Is it happy or sad? …"

I asked him, "What does your heart say?"

He replied, "Sad … but beautiful"

Is it?



For those who are musically curious, the chords were Fm Ab C Bb/Fm.

For those who get time to read our blog, the incident got me back to blogging after a gap of several months. I really don't want them to grow up fast!

Fifteen Years! And Counting ……

Fifteen years ago …. today

On the bank of Mississippi

We said, “Let’s make a life, come what may …”

And we strived.

A half painted sari

A cabinet full of mismatched cups

Boxes in the basement

Full of baby stuff we saved

1 apple tree in the backyard

A dozen trips to the hospital

Hundred Sunday morning cuddle times

Thousand trips to the park

Ten thousand diapers

Mixer, blender, chopper, juicer

Freezer, toaster, pressure cooker

Wheels on the bus

Wheels on the bags

Wheel on shoes

Everything  that drags

Tears for friends who left

Cheers for family members who joined

Beers for everyone !

2 bundles of joy

A zillion toys

Smothering hugs

Slobbering kisses

Many heartaches

A few time outs

Here we are

And I am happy to say

We have arrived.

East? Or West?? Are we the Best???

Suvo & I often find ourselves comparing notes on how things are done “here” vs “back home”. Nowhere does this conflict polarize more than, when it comes to parenting philosophy. In the quest for doing the best we can for our kids, we constantly confront ourselves with choices that hail from different courts and show no clear convergence.

While the parenting world is united on some meta-philosophies like – “be loving but firm”, the guidelines for implementing such strategy could not be more divergent, based on which part of the cosmos the conference is being held.

That is to say the “correct” way of parenting seems to be about combining unconditional love with firm stance to set boundaries & teach self-discipline to our kids …..simple enough. Yet, this simple guideline breaks down for me in simplest of situations where I cannot figure out whether to be “loving” at that particular moment or should be “firm”, or for that matter, tell apart what constitutes being “loving” vs being “firm” ….. as the definitions seem to switch as I switch lenses from my eastern classical upbringing to my western contemporary edification.

For example, when Suvo and I grappled with the kids’ sleeping arrangements and challenges as infants, our eastern heritage provided unequivocal instructions - ‘Let the kids sleep with you in your bed, that’s what loving parents do’, our western advisors however gave unambiguous direction – ‘Put them in the crib and kiss them goodnight … if they cry, let them be, this will teach them self-help/boundaries etc etc’. Love? Discipline? Which one is which? While the orient and the occident warred over the territories of our hearts, Suvo and I battled sleep deprived schizophrenia … (several years on, we have created a momentary truce by sleeping on the floor in the kids’ room while they sleep in their own beds !)

Another facet where we are encountering the dichotomy head on, is regarding our kids’ education, specifically about - whether or how much to push them to excel. Few weeks ago, I was relating one of my many conversations with Diya, about “what will she be when she grows up”, to my colleagues when one of my colleagues (US born, Indian origin) admonished me –“Ankur - Don’t be an ‘Indian Mom’.” He decoded to the rest of our colleagues –“For Indian parents, unless their kids are at the top of their class and turn into doctors or engineers, they are complete failures”. Try that for a categorical statement.

As uncompromising as the remark sounds, there seems to be some grain of truth in it. We have enrolled Diya and Aadi to “Kumon” a Japanese learning institution which promises to enhance skills in Math & Reading beyond school grade. There are about 40 kids in the group in the time-slot that Diya & Aadi go to. About 38 of them are Indians, 1 Chinese and 1 American. The institute is run by an Indian!

Suvo just posted Diya’s 2nd grade assessment in school where she fared beyond elementary school level in both Math & Reading. We have been proudly sharing this news with everyone and anyone who would listen.

So duly chastised by my candid colleague’s comment, I thought about the allegation quite a bit. Am I an “Indian Mom” – I admit that I strongly believe investing & excelling in academics; Am I an “American Mom” since I am a fierce proponent of independence and personal liberty for myself and my kids; Or am I a “Global Mom” whatever that is … maybe because I hold a deep desire to live/travel with kids in few different countries and give them exposure and acceptance of different cultures? Do I have to choose between these models? Is one better than the other? Is there a “best” answer?

Basically, I do not understand the conundrum … is it not love that guides us to discipline our children so they can learn critical life skills and be happy in their lives; shall we not discipline our love for our children so as not to spoil them?

(On a complete aside - as vociferous as the opposition is on Love and Discipline – about what is love, what is discipline, when to dole out which and how much - the house seems to be united on another dimension of parenting: “Guilt”. They all seem to be joined by their reticence …. no answer, no guidelines, no referrals ! I suppose I will join this Universal Silence and leave that topic off table for now. Later, someday later, I wish to write a book on that topic alone ! :))

So back to the topic of parenting through “firm, unrelenting, unconditional love”, there do not seem to be universal responses to universal situations that arise daily in my life with kids. Every single time, East and West war over the right course. And I am completely baffled over and over again as I try to consult the elusive “parenting handbook” for answers to simple situations that our not-so-simple kids throw at us every day.

So in search of an Answer, Suvo and I did what we do best – turn to books for wisdom.

We read, “The Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother” a book that made me laugh and cry and get angry and then laugh and cry some more. We read, “How to raise kids who think for themselves” … a quintessential western bible … (ironically the very gesture of writing or reading a “How to…” book for just about anything is a very western concept). We even read “The Third Culture Kids” about raising kids born in a culture different from one their parents were born into. Basically, a travel guide for expats, non-residents, immigrants and others who live in the parenting no-man’s-land between oceans, that Suvo and I often find ourselves in.

(After all that reading, once again, Suvo and I did what we do best. I remembered every concept in every book and ever since been trying to distill and compare and contrast and bring down to practice all of that, in vain. Suvo forgot everything, including the fact that we own these books.)

A clue to the puzzle occurred to me one day when Suvo off-handedly quoted some line he read somewhere (because he knows I am a sucker for out-of-the-can philosophies). The quote was “A child gives birth to a mother.”

Wow. Is it true? Think about that. Do we have this parenting thing all upside-down? In our attempt to “do the best we can for our kids” are we focusing too much on the first half of the phrase (‘do the best we can’) as we strive to become the best parents & look for universal wisdom; and too little on the latter (‘for our kids’) – what do our kids want/need from us as parents? How did it become so much about our values, our culture, our philosophy and our style …. Vs our kids’ personalities, their temperaments, their predilections, their styles? How did we get about shopping for one size fits all parenting philosophy when our kids, Diya & Aadi as even their names sound, are exact opposite of each other?

For as far back as my withered out Mommy-brain can remember, I have been astounded by how different Diya & Aadi are to each other. While we struggled with Diya’s lack of sleep as an infant, we worried when Aadi pretty much slept his whole first month as a baby. Diya’s most frequent phrase as a toddler was “Mamma, look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeee”; Aadi’s was “Let me be.” Diya constantly talks to us about “When I grow up, I am going to be ….. (you name it!)”. When we asked the same question to Aadi, his consistent and confident response has been “When I grow up, I grow up, I will be Aadi.” !!!

We are very aware of the contrast in our kids’ demeanors and have related these with relish to, (as they say in America) ‘everyone and their mothers’, specially the mothers ! Yet, we seem to fail to connect the dots from this to our parenting style and endeavor to find true & absolute north, a universal compass, when it comes to raising our children.

Maybe, just maybe …. we take the topic to seriously. I feel like writing the old song over again …

I say East
You Say West
No one knows
What is best ….
Let’s call the whole thing off !

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Just the other day, over one or the other triviality, Aadi declared beaming, “Mamma, you are the BEST Mamma in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD !!!”. My soul melted.

Thank you Raja, you do not know how much those words mean to me. I will live, to live up to those ! :)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

A gentle tug ….

“Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.” Aadi wailed as he struggled away from my grip. I was trying to give him a hug …. a long squeezee hug that he loves … or he loved … until that precise moment.

“Mamma … let me go. I have to go play with Diya” – he persisted.

“Can I at least kiss you??” I said trying hard to keep petulance out of my voice.

“O.K. … only one kiss … then I HAVE to go” – he compromised.


‘When did we switch scripts?????’ was the first thought that registered in my head;
‘This is the moment I have been waiting for !!!’, was the next;
‘…but somehow I’m not ready for this’, was the final one that day.


I was supposed to have been thrilled that Aadi was showing signs of independence. I have dreamed of this moment for years …. of being left alone for a moment without someone sulking; of being able to go to the bathroom without someone crying at the door or slipping me letters under the door ! (yes that has happened!!).

Somehow though, when Aadi ran away that morning, I felt a brick that landed squarely in my stomach. I felt out of whack for the rest of the weekend and could not explain the feeling. I was furious with myself. “I should go have a drink and go shopping in the mall instead of feeling down” – I told myself. This is ridiculous …. he just preferred to play with Diya instead of me … this is what kids are supposed to do … he is just growing up.

“He just moved out of your lap not your house … you’re being melodramatic” was the final reprimand I issued to myself. (Notice how I switched from first person to third as I dissociated myself from the turmoil building up inside me!)

I am a very rational and pragmatic person. At least, I think of myself to be one. I have always prided myself on being able to take utterly logical stance instead of an emotional one. More or less my entire life is built on this. So why on earth am I feeling this way then …. for something so trivial.

Or is it trivial? “He is just growing up” or “They are just growing up” is what I’ve told myself since then. Why does it bother me so? Why does is feel like we are living (with them) on borrowed time. What is the weird feeling in my stomach? Is this where the umbilical cord used to be? Is that where I feel the tug …. ?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

After stewing in the above confusion for weeks … what finally gave me the courage to write this down was a beautiful gesture from Aadi. Yesterday, out of the blue, he took my face in his hands and said ‘Mamma, I am a big boy …. but I am still your baby” !!!!\

2013 Bengali New Year

“Gangs of Plymouth” performed at the Bengali New Year celebrations yesterday.

Diya was the lead singer. She delivered perfect renditions of her favorite songs “Bees Bees” and “The Ants go Marching”. Proud parents graciously received tons of praises! :)

Aadi’s main role was to refrain from any mischief on-stage. While he made a sneak appearance during another person’s performance – when he simply could not hold his curiosity backstage and inched his way to see “what was out there”, he was shy to be the first one to march on stage when “The Gang” was called on. During the performance he mostly maintained composure and turned around to run away only twice.

Suvo was as usual the “creative director” as well as “stage hands”. He planned, practiced and performed with our star of the day – Diya.

I provided “stage support” (a miscellaneous job description) that involved:

a) bribing the artists to participate (Diya received 1000 points for this performance which will enable her to jump on ocean trampoline next week when we will be in Mexico for family vacation – girl has her priorities) ;

b) getting the artists ready for the show and getting them re-ready when they manage to squeeze a tube of blue tooth paste on themselves after getting them ready the first time;

c) managing last minute bathroom emergencies when some members of the band decide to potty train themselves just when our names were going to be announced, and refused to ‘go’ in the extra capacity diaper which was put in place exactly for such a situation, but insist that they should ‘go’ in the big people bathroom like ‘big kids’ – after all they are stage performers for god’s sake ! (I will not divulge the identity of this particular band mate)

d) last but not the least – making sure that the performers stayed on-stage during the entirety of the performance and did not run away due to stage fright or any other distractions that captured their fancy.

All-in-all a hugely satisfying exndeavor !

Here is the link for the performance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8cKUiQUq_Q&feature=share&list=UUThF0AgVC5hl7g3GkdsQZBQ

Technically Speaking ...

The following conversation with Diya compelled me to make a blog posting ... after a long time!

After work I picked up Diya from her after-school daycare on my way home. During the drive Diya asked:

"Baba, did you have any fun at work today?"

"Not really ... "

"Well, I had lots of fun today at school!" Then after a pause she asked, "Seriously, you didn't have any fun today at work?"

"Well, may be a little ... "

"Was it during lunch time?"

"No, it's related to a math problem I am trying to solve. Two things (two sets of parameters) are supposed to match, one of them is matching and the other is not. So, the fun part was that one of the things matched, but I can't figure out why the other one is not matching ... so it's not fun now".

"So, what is this math problem?"

I started thinking how can I explain Visual Odometry (the research field of estimating camera motion from the video) to her. Here's what I said:

"Say, I am driving on the road and have a camcorder in hand and recording a video of what I see in front. So the question is can I accurately calculate my speed, including turns, by just looking at the pictures which make the video?"

Diya almost immediately came up with the following answer, in a very confident tone:

"Technically speaking ... say if you have a car in front of you which is driving slower than you. Then after some time the car will be behind you. And if you are driving too slow, then the car in front of you will go far and far away. So, yes! You can solve the problem!"

I was speechless.

After a pause Diya asked:

"Did that help? .... I can see that it is a hard problem, but I think I solved it."

[EOF]

Mobius Strip

The conversation started innocuously enough at tea time.

“Diya, we need to take down the Christmas tree.” I am trying to get Diya engaged in house work. I have recently realized that this is my only salvation.

“I know. Are you glad I took down most of the ornaments already?” Diya had taken the initiative last weekend to start the process of undoing the Christmas tree all by herself. Yes, it is a process at our house. Starts after New Year’s and lasts till Easter!

“Yes. Thanks so much Shona. It will be much easier now.”

“Do you like the Star?” She said looking at the tree. (Diya had picked out a tree-topper , a red star, this season.)

“I love the Star. It’s the most beautiful Star.”

“I don’t like the Star.” Suvo interjected. And the sparring began.

“Why don’t you like the Star?” Diya challenged him.

“I don’t like the back of the Star.”

“What’s wrong with the back?” She was getting angry now. I winked at her to let her know he was goofing.

“I can’t see it.” Suvo continued provoking her.

“Well Baba, if you can see the front then you cannot see the back.” She tried to reason. But Suvo won’t budge.

“I don’t like it.” He maintained.

(Any other person would have just dropped the argument at this point but Diya – well Diya is Diya.)

“Baba, everything has to have a front and a back.” She continued.

“No, it doesn’t.” By now he had a plan of attack.

“Yes, it does.” She said irritably.

“A Mobius Strip does not have a back” - he volleyed. This promptly caught her attention. She is a sucker for any new concept.

“What is a Mobius Strip?”

“Go get a strip of paper and I will show you.”

The next 15-20 mins were spent creating Mobius Strips and conducting various experiments with them like drawing lines around them, cutting them along the circumference (if you can call it that) and showing that the resulting intertwined loops did not retain the properties of the Mobius Strips etc. Similar experiments were conducted by creating cylinders with strips to show the differences of concepts etc. Diya was thoroughly hooked and completely thrilled !!

“This is awesome!” she chirped, no longer annoyed with Suvo.

“So what did you learn Shona?” I wanted to seize the moment to stretch her thinking further.

“That Mobius Strip does not have a back!” She was quick to reply.

“That’s true but what is the moral of the story?” I pushed her to think at a higher level.

“That you can draw a line all around it and cannot pass the edge ….?” She said with a frown. She did not know where I was going. So I helped her along.

“What did you say, when Baba said he did not like the back of the Star?” I was trying to get her to think in terms of “unguarded generalization”, “exceptions to rules” etc. But had to do it in steps so she gets the idea.

“That everything has to have a back.”

“And what did you find?”

“Mobius Strip does not have a back…”

“So what does that tell you ….”

“That if you are a Mobius Strip you never have a problem scratching your back” - Suvo cut in. Scientific craving sated, he reverted to clowning. Diya ignored him, since now her attention was zeroed in on me. She sensed another discovery.

“Hmm…”

“That you generally cannot make a statement about ‘everything’. Because there might be things that don’t fit the rule.” Eyes wide, she quietly digested this.

“Nipatan-e Shiddho!” Suvo blurted in Bengali.

“Exception proves the rule!” I translated.

By now we had turned tea time into a triple whammy learning session combining Mathematics, Abstract thinking and Language into one.

“I get it …” Diya endured. I could see the little gears in her head turning full speed and another thought entered my mind.

“May be there is another ‘moral of the story’. This one is for us.” I said grinning at Suvo. His buffoonery was rubbing off on me. Diya immediately caught on to the shift in tone and looked expectantly from me to him.

“May be you are a Mobius Strip” I said turning to Diya. “We keep trying to get you to follow rules and you keep finding ways to defy them !”

“Ha Ha …” she loved that one !