Wonky House

So I found a you-tube tutorial on painting wonky houses and I made this picture as my bad art of the day. It reminded me of that house you all rented in the first year at UMN. I could not remember the house number so I sent this picture to Rajiv and Raktim and they each immediately replied with the address and photos of the ‘815’ house. It’s still there. What a crazy place it was. 

The shower was in the kitchen. I think it was part pantry and part garden shed converted into a make shift shower stall. I remember one time it was so windy that the back door - the one that was shut closed with chicken wires - it blew open, pulling in a blast of Minnesota winter into the shower. I still had soap on me ….. aaaargh. I think that was the one and only time I used the ‘facilities’ at your place. Or atleast the shower. Then there was the toilet upstairs- in the attic? Some how the roof slanted so low and steep that you couldn’t fully stand up. Like Harry Potter’s closet. Good thing I was short. It never occurred to me how Raktim managed in that. Maybe I should ask him. 

The location was prime - right next to the train line - all the lights flickered when the train passed. And the windows did not shut properly- remember when it dipped below minus 40 and you got so sick sleeping right next to that drafty window? I made food for you - i believe Chicken stew - you told me Ma's recipe and that she always makes that for when people get sick. I made it in my newly acquired pressure cooker from Prof. Jaideep Shrivastava. [What a pity i missed my chance of working with him for Amazon because i was so focused on obtaining a spare pressure cooker from him - well i had my priorities.]

Then later, for Diwali I bought the biggest comforter I could find in Walmart for you. A navy blue king size comforter - i still remember the plaid pattern and you looking back and forth from the comforter to me and your face lit up with surprise and delight. And somehow after that we slowly stopped pretending to be ‘just friends’. That comforter was your ‘largest’ belonging for a long time, until we moved in together and a whole household stood up around us within minutes :)

I miss the wonky house and that wonky time. 

Stones in my pocket

Some stones demand being picked up and put into our pockets as we walk along. Here are some that I put into my journal in the last few days - 

• Dark skies and dead black flies
• The lava flows and relief burns through 
• Let go of the ketchup & what’s wrong with watercolors
• When you lose the Why, What is the next step. These are not questions. 

Someday I might pull these out tumble them or toss them. For now they weigh down my pockets lending solidity to this nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. 

But here is an art for today - a feather in the pile. 

Day 1/365 - Life in the cracks

I have been hanging by an invisible thread of making art. I am not an artist so I have given myself permission to make bad art. It calms my mind as my hands take over doodling, coloring, taping, cutting - without any purpose or goal. It is surprising how grounding it is and makes me feel connected to one of Suvo’s big loves in life. And Diya is teaching me techniques and sharing her art supplies and Suvo’s too. So we have decided that we will make one piece of tiny art everyday for 365 days and then make a reel. Let’s see how far we can take it. I have promised myself that if it becomes stressful instead of fun, I will stop it. I will not let my goal fixation and streak obsession take this tender refuge away from me. 

So today I put some washi tape randomly on a paper and then totally ignored its boundaries and let my hand scribble away. It was such a release, like breaking all the rules that bear no power on us but we follow anyway. 

There is a beautiful art practice in Japan called Kintsugi. If a precious pottery breaks they glue it back together and paint it with gold. The break and the reconstruction becomes part of its story, its heritage. Suvo has done this for several of our broken China that we collected from our travels or memorable gifts. The above picture that emerged after I removed the washi tape reminds me of that. 

This band of brightness we call our life

Though tears run down our face

you dwell in our heart

in that safe place

where pain & suffering no longer chase

Though your days here were brief

your spirit eternal alive, awake, complete

your mind forever sparkling

with wonder at every curious thing

Your love surrounds us

still, like dawn

quiet, awakening 

beneath the dark

We find your presence

where beauty brightens 

and kindness glows

where music echoes eternal tones

May you continue to inspire us

to enter each day with a generous heart

until we meet again

in the land where no one stays apart

       - adapted from writings by John O’ Donohue

Wild

The Beauty in you

matched

the Beast in me

Now I’m free

of the tenderness

of thee

A jagged edge

scarred

by beauty 

I walk alone

in the shadow

of the moon

The night

haunted

by a forgotten tune

A deep wilderness 

calling me

to a familiar home 

No borders. No embellishments.

Just keep swimming …