Saturday, July 18, 2026

A week not for the weak

Uploaded Image

Here are a few things happened in the last week. 

Saturday, July 11th: Aadi got his drivers license finally. It become active as of Monday 8am. This was after months of missed classes and tests and failed attempts. He finally finished the test flawlessly in "Baba's Car". Apparently that was the problem previously, that i was making him drive my car - it was clearly the car, not his skill that was the issue. Well anyway, i relented and let him take the test in Suvo’s beloved Cadillac …. and … he aced the test - if there is such a thing as acing a driving test. He nailed the parallel parking in one shot. He was poised, he drove with confidence and chatted with the chatty Evaluator - he told her about Suvo's biriyani recipe. I secretly cried behind my sun-glasses in the back seat. Later, I ordered his twin light-sabers he wanted for a long time. I was so proud of him.

Sunday, July 12th: We bought a condo in Lansing - well almost bought, offer accepted and signed, inspection and closing to follow. kids are excited for this next phase of restarting school. It was their idea - to move in together on campus and focus on college. They felt so happy that i found them playing with the said light-sabers in the basement, wearing their Harry Potter robes! Here i thought they were cleaning the cat litter boxes as a result of my lecture on taking responsibility now that they will be co-home owners of sorts. Ah well. I took the light hearted moment in. that will do for now.

Monday, July 13th: I got back to work. Felt uplifted by the team and the work. Felt gutted by all the paperwork that dragged me into deep doo-doo water i am trying to escape. Have to learn to compartmentalize. And stop filling forms that ask for updates i am still denying.

Tuesday, July 14th: Apartment inspection scheduled for 9am. As newly responsible, soon to be co-home owners, I let the kids go to inspection with the Realtor. I focused on work. This is going to be our new life, so why not start right now. Few hours later, they called from the car telling me they are going to Grand Rapids to meet a friend. They will return home for dinner and they will take turns driving as Aadi can now drive with Diya in the car. (??#$@#??) ... I took many deep breaths ... told myself i would have to trust them. they are growing up and becoming independent i have to let them do their thing. 

Later that evening, they got back, and immediately my mamma radar went up with suspicion - something was off. Upon interrogation it was revealed that while driving back on I-96, a flying axle hit the front of the car. ??@#$?? it seems a whole tire-wheel assembly got detatched from a car two vehicles ahead of them. Another car in front hit it and the tire exploded, that made the debri propel more and hit the car kids were in. NOTHING HAPPENED was repeated many times. They tried to play it down. And then before i could properly freak out they produced a kitten - another black kitten - that is why they went to Grand Rapids to pick up the kitten. I was speechless. Still am. Breathe. Just Breathe.

Wednesday, July 15th - I braved the big wide world and drove to work to be in person. Got stuck at security check-in for over an hour on account of my badge being suspended as i am supposed to be on leave. And that there was a 30-people party of contractors trying to get into the premises and they were in queue before me. I practiced more deep breathing. 

Thursday, July 16th - We got insurance claim back from the abandoned trip to Spain and Portugal. And, same day I received the design proposal and estimate for the Zen garden Suvo and I wanted to build where weeds are taking over. Guess what - the estimate is the exact amount recovered from Spain Trip. OK. it’s a sign. I can focus on something positive. Maybe making this garden will give me some peace. And I can clearly use a zen garden. 

Friday, July 18th - More papers and bills hissed at me at home and outside the smoke from Minnesota wild-fires covered the city. no respite anywhere. Meanwhile, my secondary vehicle arrived after waiting for months for it. Good distraction, Aadi and i immediately went and picked it up. We are making progress i thought. But progress is exhausting so i took a nap. Then i got the nightmare phone call - Aadi on the phone telling me to stay calm and telling me that he is in a car crash. Got T-boned at the entrance to our neighborhood. I AM FINE he repeated ... but the car is totaled. 

I was out of bed and in my car before my brain processed nightmare from reality ... no no no this wasn't really happening. I have never been more terrified than driving up to the accident scene where Aadi stood amid the wreckage holding a paper towel to his head, surrounded by police cars, fire trucks and paramedics .... NO NO NO. I was incoherent, he was still coherent and calm ... my child. There was so much .... stuff on the road ... bumper on the side walk, debri everywhere and o my god the red fluid on the street that made my heart freeze .... i pointed and screamed and the paramedic told me that was not blood, its from the car he said ... the car ... i looked at the car and it was not a car anymore ... airbags everywhere, shiny metal, crushed plastic ... i could not make sense .... it was dizzying ... 

Aadi touched my shoulder, Mamma I'm ok, its ok,  he was repeating the mantra we have been repeating over and over since that other dreaded phone call few weeks ago that turned our world upside down ... its going to be ok, we are going to be ok. now i was repeating it too. the paramedic pulled both aadi and i into the evaluation unit. Aadi had a nasty cut on his forehead, but apart from that he is okay. no concussion, no fractures, no internal injury. the paramedic told me over and over again. he checked his vitals in front of me. how is it possible? how did my boy walk out of this horrible accident in one piece ... the car had to be towed in pieces. 

 I drove us home in a daze. Diya took charge of feeding us and dressing aadi's cut (he did not want to go to urgent care). i was too stunned to argue. i let them take care or each other and me. Later he told me that he doesn't remember much of the crash, but remembered that the air bags deployed and Onstar immediately called the emergency services. i never felt more grateful. this is what we do, my team at work, we test for this, i told him. this is what you will do one day - he took that in.

Saturday, July 18th - I couldn't sleep all night. kept checking on Aadi. he is ok. got him to urgent care in the morning just to be sure. he is ok. (infact he seemed to be enjoying the nurse's reaction at his disclosure that he was in a car crash). he is ok. But i am not. I am terrified. I told aadi that i want to take both of them and hide somewhere so no more badness happens to us. he said calmly, we cannot live like that. My turn to pause and take it in. This is such a Suvo thing to say. 

Later, the kids researched and found a good deal on the new appliances for the condo. they were being responsible and looking for the best options at lowest cost they told me. the new tiny kitten jumped around the desk. 

i did not mean to write all this down. the cat made me do it. Meet Kairo. 










Friday, July 17, 2026

Wonky House

Uploaded Image

So I found a you-tube tutorial on painting wonky houses and I made this picture as my bad art of the day. It reminded me of that house you all rented in the first year at UMN. I could not remember the house number so I sent this picture to Rajiv and Raktim and they each immediately replied with the address and photos of the ‘815’ house. It’s still there. What a crazy place it was. 

The shower was in the kitchen. I think it was part pantry and part garden shed converted into a make shift shower stall. I remember one time it was so windy that the back door - the one that was shut closed with chicken wires - it blew open, pulling in a blast of Minnesota winter into the shower. I still had soap on me ….. aaaargh. I think that was the one and only time I used the ‘facilities’ at your place. Or atleast the shower. Then there was the toilet upstairs- in the attic? Some how the roof slanted so low and steep that you couldn’t fully stand up. Like Harry Potter’s closet. Good thing I was short. It never occurred to me how Raktim managed in that. Maybe I should ask him. 

The location was prime - right next to the train line - all the lights flickered when the train passed. And the windows did not shut properly- remember when it dipped below minus 40 and you got so sick sleeping right next to that drafty window? I made food for you - i believe Chicken stew - you told me Ma's recipe and that she always makes that for when people get sick. I made it in my newly acquired pressure cooker from Prof. Jaideep Shrivastava. [What a pity i missed my chance of working with him for Amazon because i was so focused on obtaining a spare pressure cooker from him - well i had my priorities.]

Then later, for Diwali I bought the biggest comforter I could find in Walmart for you. A navy blue king size comforter - i still remember the plaid pattern and you looking back and forth from the comforter to me and your face lit up with surprise and delight. And somehow after that we slowly stopped pretending to be ‘just friends’. That comforter was your ‘largest’ belonging for a long time, until we moved in together and a whole household stood up around us within minutes :)

I miss the wonky house and that wonky time. 
Uploaded Image

Sunday, July 12, 2026

Stones in my pocket

Uploaded Image

Some stones demand being picked up and put into our pockets as we walk along. Here are some that I put into my journal in the last few days - 

  • Dark skies and dead black flies
  • The lava flows and relief burns through 
  • Let go of the ketchup & what’s wrong with watercolors
  • When you lose the Why, What is the next step. These are not questions. 

Someday I might pull these out tumble them or toss them. For now they weigh down my pockets lending solidity to this nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. 

But here is an art for today - a feather in the pile. 

Monday, July 6, 2026

Day 1/365 - Life in the cracks

Uploaded Image

I have been hanging by an invisible thread of making art. I am not an artist so I have given myself permission to make bad art. It calms my mind as my hands take over doodling, coloring, taping, cutting - without any purpose or goal. It is surprising how grounding it is and makes me feel connected to one of Suvo’s big loves in life. And Diya is teaching me techniques and sharing her art supplies and Suvo’s too. So we have decided that we will make one piece of tiny art everyday for 365 days and then make a reel. Let’s see how far we can take it. I have promised myself that if it becomes stressful instead of fun, I will stop it. I will not let my goal fixation and streak obsession take this tender refuge away from me. 

So today I put some washi tape randomly on a paper and then totally ignored its boundaries and let my hand scribble away. It was such a release, like breaking all the rules that bear no power on us but we follow anyway. 

There is a beautiful art practice in Japan called Kintsugi. If a precious pottery breaks they glue it back together and paint it with gold. The break and the reconstruction becomes part of its story, its heritage. Suvo has done this for several of our broken China that we collected from our travels or memorable gifts. The above picture that emerged after I removed the washi tape reminds me of that. 

Wednesday, July 1, 2026

This band of brightness we call our life

Though tears run down our face
you dwell in our heart
in that safe place
where pain & suffering no longer chase

Though your days here were brief
your spirit eternal alive, awake, complete
your mind forever sparkling
with wonder at every curious thing

Your love surrounds us
still, like dawn
quiet, awakening 
beneath the dark

We find your presence
where beauty brightens 
and kindness glows
where music echoes eternal tones

May you continue to inspire us
to enter each day with a generous heart
until we meet again
in the land where no one stays apart

       - adapted from writings by John O’ Donohue


Uploaded Image

Wild

The Beauty in you
matched
the Beast in me

Now I’m free
of the tenderness
of thee

A jagged edge
scarred
by beauty 

I walk alone
in the shadow
of the moon

The night
haunted
by a forgotten tune

A deep wilderness 
calling me
to a familiar home