“Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.” Aadi wailed as he struggled away from my grip. I was trying to give him a hug …. a long squeezee hug that he loves … or he loved … until that precise moment.
“Mamma … let me go. I have to go play with Diya” – he persisted.
“Can I at least kiss you??” I said trying hard to keep petulance out of my voice.
“O.K. … only one kiss … then I HAVE to go” – he compromised.
‘When did we switch scripts?????’ was the first thought that registered in my head;
‘This is the moment I have been waiting for !!!’, was the next;
‘…but somehow I’m not ready for this’, was the final one that day.
I was supposed to have been thrilled that Aadi was showing signs of independence. I have dreamed of this moment for years …. of being left alone for a moment without someone sulking; of being able to go to the bathroom without someone crying at the door or slipping me letters under the door ! (yes that has happened!!).
Somehow though, when Aadi ran away that morning, I felt a brick that landed squarely in my stomach. I felt out of whack for the rest of the weekend and could not explain the feeling. I was furious with myself. “I should go have a drink and go shopping in the mall instead of feeling down” – I told myself. This is ridiculous …. he just preferred to play with Diya instead of me … this is what kids are supposed to do … he is just growing up.
“He just moved out of your lap not your house … you’re being melodramatic” was the final reprimand I issued to myself. (Notice how I switched from first person to third as I dissociated myself from the turmoil building up inside me!)
I am a very rational and pragmatic person. At least, I think of myself to be one. I have always prided myself on being able to take utterly logical stance instead of an emotional one. More or less my entire life is built on this. So why on earth am I feeling this way then …. for something so trivial.
Or is it trivial? “He is just growing up” or “They are just growing up” is what I’ve told myself since then. Why does it bother me so? Why does is feel like we are living (with them) on borrowed time. What is the weird feeling in my stomach? Is this where the umbilical cord used to be? Is that where I feel the tug …. ?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
After stewing in the above confusion for weeks … what finally gave me the courage to write this down was a beautiful gesture from Aadi. Yesterday, out of the blue, he took my face in his hands and said ‘Mamma, I am a big boy …. but I am still your baby” !!!!\
