East? Or West?? Are we the Best???

Suvo & I often find ourselves comparing notes on how things are done “here” vs “back home”. Nowhere does this conflict polarize more than, when it comes to parenting philosophy. In the quest for doing the best we can for our kids, we constantly confront ourselves with choices that hail from different courts and show no clear convergence.

While the parenting world is united on some meta-philosophies like – “be loving but firm”, the guidelines for implementing such strategy could not be more divergent, based on which part of the cosmos the conference is being held.

That is to say the “correct” way of parenting seems to be about combining unconditional love with firm stance to set boundaries & teach self-discipline to our kids …..simple enough. Yet, this simple guideline breaks down for me in simplest of situations where I cannot figure out whether to be “loving” at that particular moment or should be “firm”, or for that matter, tell apart what constitutes being “loving” vs being “firm” ….. as the definitions seem to switch as I switch lenses from my eastern classical upbringing to my western contemporary edification.

For example, when Suvo and I grappled with the kids’ sleeping arrangements and challenges as infants, our eastern heritage provided unequivocal instructions - ‘Let the kids sleep with you in your bed, that’s what loving parents do’, our western advisors however gave unambiguous direction – ‘Put them in the crib and kiss them goodnight … if they cry, let them be, this will teach them self-help/boundaries etc etc’. Love? Discipline? Which one is which? While the orient and the occident warred over the territories of our hearts, Suvo and I battled sleep deprived schizophrenia … (several years on, we have created a momentary truce by sleeping on the floor in the kids’ room while they sleep in their own beds !)

Another facet where we are encountering the dichotomy head on, is regarding our kids’ education, specifically about - whether or how much to push them to excel. Few weeks ago, I was relating one of my many conversations with Diya, about “what will she be when she grows up”, to my colleagues when one of my colleagues (US born, Indian origin) admonished me –“Ankur - Don’t be an ‘Indian Mom’.” He decoded to the rest of our colleagues –“For Indian parents, unless their kids are at the top of their class and turn into doctors or engineers, they are complete failures”. Try that for a categorical statement.

As uncompromising as the remark sounds, there seems to be some grain of truth in it. We have enrolled Diya and Aadi to “Kumon” a Japanese learning institution which promises to enhance skills in Math & Reading beyond school grade. There are about 40 kids in the group in the time-slot that Diya & Aadi go to. About 38 of them are Indians, 1 Chinese and 1 American. The institute is run by an Indian!

Suvo just posted Diya’s 2nd grade assessment in school where she fared beyond elementary school level in both Math & Reading. We have been proudly sharing this news with everyone and anyone who would listen.

So duly chastised by my candid colleague’s comment, I thought about the allegation quite a bit. Am I an “Indian Mom” – I admit that I strongly believe investing & excelling in academics; Am I an “American Mom” since I am a fierce proponent of independence and personal liberty for myself and my kids; Or am I a “Global Mom” whatever that is … maybe because I hold a deep desire to live/travel with kids in few different countries and give them exposure and acceptance of different cultures? Do I have to choose between these models? Is one better than the other? Is there a “best” answer?

Basically, I do not understand the conundrum … is it not love that guides us to discipline our children so they can learn critical life skills and be happy in their lives; shall we not discipline our love for our children so as not to spoil them?

(On a complete aside - as vociferous as the opposition is on Love and Discipline – about what is love, what is discipline, when to dole out which and how much - the house seems to be united on another dimension of parenting: “Guilt”. They all seem to be joined by their reticence …. no answer, no guidelines, no referrals ! I suppose I will join this Universal Silence and leave that topic off table for now. Later, someday later, I wish to write a book on that topic alone ! :))

So back to the topic of parenting through “firm, unrelenting, unconditional love”, there do not seem to be universal responses to universal situations that arise daily in my life with kids. Every single time, East and West war over the right course. And I am completely baffled over and over again as I try to consult the elusive “parenting handbook” for answers to simple situations that our not-so-simple kids throw at us every day.

So in search of an Answer, Suvo and I did what we do best – turn to books for wisdom.

We read, “The Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother” a book that made me laugh and cry and get angry and then laugh and cry some more. We read, “How to raise kids who think for themselves” … a quintessential western bible … (ironically the very gesture of writing or reading a “How to…” book for just about anything is a very western concept). We even read “The Third Culture Kids” about raising kids born in a culture different from one their parents were born into. Basically, a travel guide for expats, non-residents, immigrants and others who live in the parenting no-man’s-land between oceans, that Suvo and I often find ourselves in.

(After all that reading, once again, Suvo and I did what we do best. I remembered every concept in every book and ever since been trying to distill and compare and contrast and bring down to practice all of that, in vain. Suvo forgot everything, including the fact that we own these books.)

A clue to the puzzle occurred to me one day when Suvo off-handedly quoted some line he read somewhere (because he knows I am a sucker for out-of-the-can philosophies). The quote was “A child gives birth to a mother.”

Wow. Is it true? Think about that. Do we have this parenting thing all upside-down? In our attempt to “do the best we can for our kids” are we focusing too much on the first half of the phrase (‘do the best we can’) as we strive to become the best parents & look for universal wisdom; and too little on the latter (‘for our kids’) – what do our kids want/need from us as parents? How did it become so much about our values, our culture, our philosophy and our style …. Vs our kids’ personalities, their temperaments, their predilections, their styles? How did we get about shopping for one size fits all parenting philosophy when our kids, Diya & Aadi as even their names sound, are exact opposite of each other?

For as far back as my withered out Mommy-brain can remember, I have been astounded by how different Diya & Aadi are to each other. While we struggled with Diya’s lack of sleep as an infant, we worried when Aadi pretty much slept his whole first month as a baby. Diya’s most frequent phrase as a toddler was “Mamma, look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeee”; Aadi’s was “Let me be.” Diya constantly talks to us about “When I grow up, I am going to be ….. (you name it!)”. When we asked the same question to Aadi, his consistent and confident response has been “When I grow up, I grow up, I will be Aadi.” !!!

We are very aware of the contrast in our kids’ demeanors and have related these with relish to, (as they say in America) ‘everyone and their mothers’, specially the mothers ! Yet, we seem to fail to connect the dots from this to our parenting style and endeavor to find true & absolute north, a universal compass, when it comes to raising our children.

Maybe, just maybe …. we take the topic to seriously. I feel like writing the old song over again …

I say East
You Say West
No one knows
What is best ….
Let’s call the whole thing off !

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Just the other day, over one or the other triviality, Aadi declared beaming, “Mamma, you are the BEST Mamma in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD !!!”. My soul melted.

Thank you Raja, you do not know how much those words mean to me. I will live, to live up to those ! :)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

A gentle tug ….

“Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.” Aadi wailed as he struggled away from my grip. I was trying to give him a hug …. a long squeezee hug that he loves … or he loved … until that precise moment.

“Mamma … let me go. I have to go play with Diya” – he persisted.

“Can I at least kiss you??” I said trying hard to keep petulance out of my voice.

“O.K. … only one kiss … then I HAVE to go” – he compromised.


‘When did we switch scripts?????’ was the first thought that registered in my head;
‘This is the moment I have been waiting for !!!’, was the next;
‘…but somehow I’m not ready for this’, was the final one that day.


I was supposed to have been thrilled that Aadi was showing signs of independence. I have dreamed of this moment for years …. of being left alone for a moment without someone sulking; of being able to go to the bathroom without someone crying at the door or slipping me letters under the door ! (yes that has happened!!).

Somehow though, when Aadi ran away that morning, I felt a brick that landed squarely in my stomach. I felt out of whack for the rest of the weekend and could not explain the feeling. I was furious with myself. “I should go have a drink and go shopping in the mall instead of feeling down” – I told myself. This is ridiculous …. he just preferred to play with Diya instead of me … this is what kids are supposed to do … he is just growing up.

“He just moved out of your lap not your house … you’re being melodramatic” was the final reprimand I issued to myself. (Notice how I switched from first person to third as I dissociated myself from the turmoil building up inside me!)

I am a very rational and pragmatic person. At least, I think of myself to be one. I have always prided myself on being able to take utterly logical stance instead of an emotional one. More or less my entire life is built on this. So why on earth am I feeling this way then …. for something so trivial.

Or is it trivial? “He is just growing up” or “They are just growing up” is what I’ve told myself since then. Why does it bother me so? Why does is feel like we are living (with them) on borrowed time. What is the weird feeling in my stomach? Is this where the umbilical cord used to be? Is that where I feel the tug …. ?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

After stewing in the above confusion for weeks … what finally gave me the courage to write this down was a beautiful gesture from Aadi. Yesterday, out of the blue, he took my face in his hands and said ‘Mamma, I am a big boy …. but I am still your baby” !!!!\

2013 Bengali New Year

“Gangs of Plymouth” performed at the Bengali New Year celebrations yesterday.

Diya was the lead singer. She delivered perfect renditions of her favorite songs “Bees Bees” and “The Ants go Marching”. Proud parents graciously received tons of praises! :)

Aadi’s main role was to refrain from any mischief on-stage. While he made a sneak appearance during another person’s performance – when he simply could not hold his curiosity backstage and inched his way to see “what was out there”, he was shy to be the first one to march on stage when “The Gang” was called on. During the performance he mostly maintained composure and turned around to run away only twice.

Suvo was as usual the “creative director” as well as “stage hands”. He planned, practiced and performed with our star of the day – Diya.

I provided “stage support” (a miscellaneous job description) that involved:

a) bribing the artists to participate (Diya received 1000 points for this performance which will enable her to jump on ocean trampoline next week when we will be in Mexico for family vacation – girl has her priorities) ;

b) getting the artists ready for the show and getting them re-ready when they manage to squeeze a tube of blue tooth paste on themselves after getting them ready the first time;

c) managing last minute bathroom emergencies when some members of the band decide to potty train themselves just when our names were going to be announced, and refused to ‘go’ in the extra capacity diaper which was put in place exactly for such a situation, but insist that they should ‘go’ in the big people bathroom like ‘big kids’ – after all they are stage performers for god’s sake ! (I will not divulge the identity of this particular band mate)

d) last but not the least – making sure that the performers stayed on-stage during the entirety of the performance and did not run away due to stage fright or any other distractions that captured their fancy.

All-in-all a hugely satisfying exndeavor !

Here is the link for the performance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8cKUiQUq_Q&feature=share&list=UUThF0AgVC5hl7g3GkdsQZBQ

Technically Speaking ...

The following conversation with Diya compelled me to make a blog posting ... after a long time!

After work I picked up Diya from her after-school daycare on my way home. During the drive Diya asked:

"Baba, did you have any fun at work today?"

"Not really ... "

"Well, I had lots of fun today at school!" Then after a pause she asked, "Seriously, you didn't have any fun today at work?"

"Well, may be a little ... "

"Was it during lunch time?"

"No, it's related to a math problem I am trying to solve. Two things (two sets of parameters) are supposed to match, one of them is matching and the other is not. So, the fun part was that one of the things matched, but I can't figure out why the other one is not matching ... so it's not fun now".

"So, what is this math problem?"

I started thinking how can I explain Visual Odometry (the research field of estimating camera motion from the video) to her. Here's what I said:

"Say, I am driving on the road and have a camcorder in hand and recording a video of what I see in front. So the question is can I accurately calculate my speed, including turns, by just looking at the pictures which make the video?"

Diya almost immediately came up with the following answer, in a very confident tone:

"Technically speaking ... say if you have a car in front of you which is driving slower than you. Then after some time the car will be behind you. And if you are driving too slow, then the car in front of you will go far and far away. So, yes! You can solve the problem!"

I was speechless.

After a pause Diya asked:

"Did that help? .... I can see that it is a hard problem, but I think I solved it."

[EOF]

Mobius Strip

The conversation started innocuously enough at tea time.

“Diya, we need to take down the Christmas tree.” I am trying to get Diya engaged in house work. I have recently realized that this is my only salvation.

“I know. Are you glad I took down most of the ornaments already?” Diya had taken the initiative last weekend to start the process of undoing the Christmas tree all by herself. Yes, it is a process at our house. Starts after New Year’s and lasts till Easter!

“Yes. Thanks so much Shona. It will be much easier now.”

“Do you like the Star?” She said looking at the tree. (Diya had picked out a tree-topper , a red star, this season.)

“I love the Star. It’s the most beautiful Star.”

“I don’t like the Star.” Suvo interjected. And the sparring began.

“Why don’t you like the Star?” Diya challenged him.

“I don’t like the back of the Star.”

“What’s wrong with the back?” She was getting angry now. I winked at her to let her know he was goofing.

“I can’t see it.” Suvo continued provoking her.

“Well Baba, if you can see the front then you cannot see the back.” She tried to reason. But Suvo won’t budge.

“I don’t like it.” He maintained.

(Any other person would have just dropped the argument at this point but Diya – well Diya is Diya.)

“Baba, everything has to have a front and a back.” She continued.

“No, it doesn’t.” By now he had a plan of attack.

“Yes, it does.” She said irritably.

“A Mobius Strip does not have a back” - he volleyed. This promptly caught her attention. She is a sucker for any new concept.

“What is a Mobius Strip?”

“Go get a strip of paper and I will show you.”

The next 15-20 mins were spent creating Mobius Strips and conducting various experiments with them like drawing lines around them, cutting them along the circumference (if you can call it that) and showing that the resulting intertwined loops did not retain the properties of the Mobius Strips etc. Similar experiments were conducted by creating cylinders with strips to show the differences of concepts etc. Diya was thoroughly hooked and completely thrilled !!

“This is awesome!” she chirped, no longer annoyed with Suvo.

“So what did you learn Shona?” I wanted to seize the moment to stretch her thinking further.

“That Mobius Strip does not have a back!” She was quick to reply.

“That’s true but what is the moral of the story?” I pushed her to think at a higher level.

“That you can draw a line all around it and cannot pass the edge ….?” She said with a frown. She did not know where I was going. So I helped her along.

“What did you say, when Baba said he did not like the back of the Star?” I was trying to get her to think in terms of “unguarded generalization”, “exceptions to rules” etc. But had to do it in steps so she gets the idea.

“That everything has to have a back.”

“And what did you find?”

“Mobius Strip does not have a back…”

“So what does that tell you ….”

“That if you are a Mobius Strip you never have a problem scratching your back” - Suvo cut in. Scientific craving sated, he reverted to clowning. Diya ignored him, since now her attention was zeroed in on me. She sensed another discovery.

“Hmm…”

“That you generally cannot make a statement about ‘everything’. Because there might be things that don’t fit the rule.” Eyes wide, she quietly digested this.

“Nipatan-e Shiddho!” Suvo blurted in Bengali.

“Exception proves the rule!” I translated.

By now we had turned tea time into a triple whammy learning session combining Mathematics, Abstract thinking and Language into one.

“I get it …” Diya endured. I could see the little gears in her head turning full speed and another thought entered my mind.

“May be there is another ‘moral of the story’. This one is for us.” I said grinning at Suvo. His buffoonery was rubbing off on me. Diya immediately caught on to the shift in tone and looked expectantly from me to him.

“May be you are a Mobius Strip” I said turning to Diya. “We keep trying to get you to follow rules and you keep finding ways to defy them !”

“Ha Ha …” she loved that one !

Fire and Ice …

What can I say? I will let you suggest a title for this blog once you read it through.

Last few weeks we have been swamped to say the least. For me, the fourth quarter is always a terror at work. This time it is coupled with Aadi’s uncontrollable asthma and Diya’s uncontrollable … (wait a minute, did we ever say that anything about Diya was controllable ??). Anyways, Suvo and I have been tired to the bones or I should say … we continue to be tired to the bones but reaching new heights that we never knew. (All of this, ofcourse, is lame excuse for the behaviors I am about to describe in the next couple of paragraphs…)

Well, Suvo and I had a few “incidents” with the kids. The response of our kids to these incidents is the topic of this blog.

SCENE 1:
(main characters Suvo and Diya).

In this scene, Suvo decided to cook for the all of us one evening. He also decided to treat the kids with some surprise gifts – he bought some coloring books for the kids. So they could color while he cooks … what a plan !! :)

Suvo unveils the gifts to the kids. Aadi decides he needs to go potty. Diya opens the gifts (both hers and Aadi’s) and after close examination declares ….. “this is the worst gift I could get. Aadi’s is much better. I want that one”. Suvo is besides himself. The conversation goes:

Suvo: Diya, do you think that was a nice thing to say?

Diya: (realizes her mistake but decides its better to fight back) Well – how come you got me a coloring book with only 2 pages ….

Some more altercations happens which results in Diya getting a time out – which involves standing in a corner with her face to the wall. She continues to fight from there but this time tries a more defensive tack – “….but I am HUNGRY” … as if that is supposed to explain it.
Suvo starts cooking. The rest of us (Ma, Baba, Aadi and me) retreat to the basement – not wanting to get in the way of father-daughter bonding.

After a while I sneak upstairs to see if things have settled down. Here is TAKE 2:

Suvo: Diya come eat your dinner. I made something you will like – fish curry & rice.

Diya: but I want rooti…..

Suvo: Diya there is no rooti. There is only rice. Just eat what I gave you.

Diya: No ….. I’m not hungry anymore ….

This is where volume control fails and so does, whatever little, patience Suvo had left.

Suvo: DIYA YOU ARE BEING EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. YOU MISBEHAVED ALL EVENING. YOU DO NOT LISTEN. YOU DO NOT CO-OPERATE. THIS CANNOT GO ON. IF YOU CANNOT LISTEN TO US …. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE ANYTHING WE DO …. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH US ….. GO FIND ANOTHER FAMILY

This was followed by a pause. Neither of them spoke for a minute …. Before I retreated back downstairs – I heard Diya ask – HOW??? (Could you "search" for new parents on Google? Could you advertise your plight on Youtube??? ..... I can hear the gears turning in her head ....)

(Suvo asked me to added a confession from Diya here ..... She admitted that she was really not hungry - she just said that to get out of the time out).

Couple of weeks have passed since I wrote the first part of this blog….. so the second part will be missing a few details but should capture the gist before I forget……

SCENE 2:
(main characters Ankur and Aadi).

Weekends are an order of magnitude more hectic and tiring for us. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, swimming lessons, grocery shopping, yoga class, feeding the kids, bathing the kids, making them go to bed ….. are just the main tasks which are sprinkled by a dozen others regular chores.

One of these nights I was almost falling apart with exhaustion and was looking forward to crashing in bed but Aadi had different plans. He had had too long a nap that afternoon and wasn’t sleepy yet. He wanted me to play “hide and seek”. I suggested lets play “hide and sleep” (Suvo came up with this phrase and we never fail to use it.) Aadi was amused but not distracted. He changed tact and started demanding my attention in other ways – I am hungry he declared. I got him some ‘pediasure’. He took a few sips and said he was too full. Then he asked for water and then he wanted to go potty. Then he wanted to read some books. I dragged through all of this hoping that these will pacify him and then we can sleep.

But he had more in store. "I need to change into night clothes these are not sleep clothes, there are play clothes", he declared. I had put fresh clothes on him after his bath not more than an hour ago – and I was an inch away from being dead by then and decided to call it a day. I switched off the light and told him to sleep. He got stuck on the clothes. “Mamma, can I change the clothes, I want night clothes”. He repeated the questions 89 times - in a consistent tone and frequency. I counted to keep myself from screaming. He stopped mid-sentence on this 90th repetition ..... Eureka !! I wore him out I wanted to sing. But I was wrong. He declared he was going downstairs to play. He jumped out of bed and headed out …….. this meant rewinding ourselves full 2 hrs. I had it. I could not hold myself anymore and bursted out…..

“ADITYA GANGULI – YOU WILL GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW. I AM VERY VERY VERY TIRED. I DID EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE. I DID NOT EVEN SIT DOWN WHOLE DAY. I WANT TO SLEEP NOW. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR MAMMA IS A HUMAN BEING WHO NEEDS REST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ………”

I realized he would not understand half of what I was saying but it came out anyway ….. turns out he understood enough. He just stood for a minute looking at me with huge eyes and then said –

“I going to kiss you and give you hug” …. He then walked over to me and crawled into my lap and gave me the warmest hug and the slobberiest kiss ever. Then he snuggled next to me and fell asleep before I could count to 10.


Our kids know how to wind us up and push us over the edge but they also know how to bring us out of our bad moments. Each in his/her own way – Diya matches fire for fire and Aadi puts ice when ours heads get too hot. But they stun us always with their energy, their intellect and their warmth. I hope I do not have to report too many more of these outbursts ………..

Quotable Quotes from Aadi

Aadi “neasured” my left wrist today – it came out to be “9 engines” – (and that’s just my left arm ,imagine what I could do with my right!!).

Aadi wants to go in the school bus to “exprole” – ( I hope I never have to put an “a” in that word).

Aadi is “3 dollars” old – ( we did not know we were teaching our kids to measure their Life with money)

Dinosaur leg is HUGE – it is “half an hour long” – (I agree with that one ….).

Aadi’s full name is “Aditya Gondhopadhyaya”.

Aadi got upset with Diya and screamed –Baba Diya is not being nice, make her “understand” (= grounded).