Growing up or growing old? … same difference !

As the plane pulled out of the gate, I felt like a brick fell on my stomach. At first I was confused; we had not started taking off yet so this could not be the usual air-sickness that hits me (grr… I will never get used to flying). It wasn’t until my eyes started welling up (which is not part of my usual responses to air sickness) that I got the first clue. I frantically sorted through my head to triangulate the signals and there it was – staring right back at me from the deep recesses of amygdale (the emotional part of our brain that we grown ups try so hard to keep suppressed so we always come across cool & collected) – an undiluted bout of sheer home-sickness.

I was on a flight to Mumbai, going to Pune for a week on a business trip with some colleagues. I did a quick scan around to make sure that my co-workers had not noticed me demonstrating, what I’m sure they will think as, juvenile behavior. Next, I did an inventory of my brain to make sure nothing else was lurking out there, ready to jump at me. Sure enough right around the corner, walking hand-in-hand, were shock & surprise grinning mischievously at having caught me off-guard. I frowned to make sense of this – home-sickness is such a normal reaction, why am I surprised? Then the realization hit me – I wasn’t surprised at being home-sick, I was shocked that I had never really experienced this emotion before. I travel a lot; I moved away from home to study; married and settled away from all family ties - but always the excitement of moving forward offset the pull to stay back.

So, there I was, 34 yrs old and smug in my assumptions that I have gone through a lot, I can deal with anything and stay ‘cool & collected’- sitting with my fists balled up in my lap so I do not involuntarily call the flight attendant and tell her that I need to get off this plane NOW. Slowly, I closed my eyes trying to understand what brought about this change. Am I still growing up and still in the process of discovering these fundamental building blocks of human psyche or am I just growing old and soft in the head? Does it matter?

The reason for the change was clear – Diya and Aadi’s faces lit up behind my closed eyes and the picture created a pull so strong that all my carefully constructed dams, that I built over many years to protect myself in the event of any ridiculous weepy-eyed emergencies, gave away and I surrendered to the single tear that rolled down my face. I pulled the eye-mask on and concentrated on thinking what all can I buy for the kids on this trip – the thought made the rest of the trip bearable. There is nothing like shopping to cheer you up!